Posted by: Nanook | May 13, 2011

History According to Huckleberry

You know, for all his down-home whimsy and folksy charm, it’s easy to forget that Mike Huckabee is scary-as-hell… a frighteningly dogmatic theocrat. Which is why I love watching him, so thanks to Bud for making me aware of the following.

Although this seems like a set-up to a joke, good ol’ boy Huckleberry-Hound has created a series of animated videos that tell the “true” story of American history. (And even if this isn’t a joke, the videos will probably still be funnier than his recent “Obama Assassination Attempt” joke.)

Huckabee created this video series because he cares so much about the education of children. He worries that students’ “boring” textbooks have made them more susceptible to being indoctrinated into some kind of perverted commie/liberal belief system. “Some teachers and education boards are using history and social studies classes as their soap box to promote their own political opinions and biases” the Huck-ster rants, “And to me, that’s simply unacceptable.”

That’s right, folks: THIS MAN WILL NOT STAND FOR EDUCATORS FORCING THEIR PERSONAL BELIEFS ON CHILDREN. (It is presumed that the sort of bias that allows the Ten Commandments to be displayed in classrooms is A-OK.)

Does anyone else see the irony here?

Rest assured, this formerly morbidly-obese fundamentalist minister knows how to get kids excited about history in a “cool” way: by teaching a white-washed version of American History using “colorful and exciting animation that kids love.”

A cartoon about lower taxes? That IS cool!

Of course, like most Republicans, Huckabee wants to align himself with America’s 40th president. If homosexuality wasn’t a sin that led to bestiality and necrophilia, Huckabee would eagerly want to make tepid, consensual, missionary-style love to Reagan. Thus, the first video in the series, titled “The Reagan Revolution”, is an attempt to canonize the former Gipper.

Purists will like it because of how historically accurate it is. Kids will love it because it’s “hip” and “urban.” In one clip, for example, cartoon teenagers on the streets of Washington encounter a dark-skinned mugger clad in a “Disco” muscle shirt and armed with a knife, demanding money.

He's black, and he's dangerous. That's HISTORY, bitch!

Other scenes of violence unfold before Reagan appears like a white knight with a message of hope and optimism. It’s all very historical, although for the life of me I don’t remember learning about the time in 1977 when some dude in a red helmet ran amok in Washington DC.

HISTORY!!!

Huckleberry wants to bring pride back to American teenagers. (Although not Gay Pride. That leads to syphilis, communism, and eventually hell.) As a way to instill American pride back in students, a preview of the video “Origins of World War II” includes dialogue such as “Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America” and my favorite: “You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.”

Even the gals? That’s awfully big of you, huckybear.

For those of you keeping score at home: Shown in the preview? Kids out-pedaling Japanese kamikaze pilots on their bicycles on the beach. Not mentioned in the preview? Franklin Roosevelt.

Boom! You just got Huckabee’d, FDR.

Posted by: Nanook | May 4, 2011

Eat This Book

Because my progeny spends most of his time sitting around in his own excrement, my lovely and vivacious wife and I have made the bold decision to bath him on a more regular basis. It just seemed like a good idea. And thankfully, the boy seems to love bath time.

Or at least, he loved it after he realised that I wasn't trying to drown him.

To make bath-time easier, he recently received a nice, puffy, water-proof book that he can look at as we dump water over his junk. It seems to soothe him, and he is learning a lot about feelings.

The section on "I Feel Happy" has blown his freakin' mind

But imagine my surprise when, upon finishing the tome, I flipped to the back cover and espied this bombshell:

WTF?!

Sure. NOW they tell me.

Posted by: Nanook | April 18, 2011

Legislating Piousness

Pop quiz: What do Clarence Darrow, Jodie Foster, Andy Rooney, and Kurt Vonnegut have in common?

The answer: None of them could be elected in Arkansas. And the reason is probably not what you would expect.

Jodie Foster is a chick, Clarence Darrow is a liberal, Andy Rooney is insane, and Vonnegut... I don't know know, he looks a little too Jewish for me.

None of them would be elected to public office because they are atheists. Article 19, Section 1 of the Arkansas Constitution expressly prohibits atheists from holding public office, stating “No person who denies the being of a God shall hold any office in the civil departments of this State, nor be competent to testify as a witness in any Court.”

That’s right. In Arkansas, we are constitutionally protected from atheists who have the audacity to believe they have a right to take part in the democratic process. And Arkansas is not alone. There are about 6 other states that have similar laws. Shockingly, they are all in the South.

The South? Tread not on the monkey's monocle, for in his surprise it has fallen.

I am happy this is the law. It means that instead of ungodly heathens like Obama (or is he a Muslim? Why do we hate him again?), we get legislators like the one and only Loy Mauch, the white-trashiest loon to ever take off his starched white hood and run for office. (As a side note, I am saddened to point out that Representative Mauch’s recent “Arkansas Water Additive Accountability Act” failed to gain any traction in the legislature. Better luck next time, Crazy McShitburger!)

It raises an interesting question, though. Can someone be elected to office if he is willing to concede the existence of a God, but believes God to be kind of an asshole?

This Jesus character borrowed ten dollars from me and never repaid it. Douche.

At least the Constitution’s wording says “a God”, leaving open the possibility that a person can run for office provided he believe in something.

Although this might be pushing it.

By the way, Section 2 of that same Article deals with dueling (because why wouldn’t people in 2011 be concerned with dueling?), and states that no person who fights in a duel shall hold any office in the State “for a period of ten years.”

So to recap: If you don’t believe in God, you are unfit for public service for the rest of your life. But if you kill someone in a duel? C’mon back in ten years.

Posted by: Nanook | March 25, 2011

This meat tastes funny

While perusing Craig’s-List, a friend of mine found this:

Wasn't this your mom's nickname in high school?

So, if you’re willing to part with an older horse or horse “traler”, give me a ring, and I can set you up with some dick sausage. If you know what I mean.

I actually have no idea what I mean.

Posted by: Nanook | March 22, 2011

Kiss me, I’m Arkansan

Living in Arkansas means living a life full of disappointment. But lately, nothing has made me sadder than the revelation that I missed out on the best of all St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. New York may have the biggest parade, and Chicago may dye it’s river a fungal shade of emerald, but my heart belongs to the World’s Shortest St. Patrick’s Day Parade, which has occurred in Hot Springs, Arkansas for the past eight years.

The parade is held on Bridge Street, which stretches only 98 feet in length. It’s apparently a big deal, and it’s only getting bigger. When it began, only 2000 spectators showed up. This year, they were expecting over 30,000 people! To give you sense of scale, if the World’s Shortest St. Patrick’s Day parade were held in South Dakota, it would become the state’s third biggest city.

And why wouldn’t you go? The parade includes a cornucopia of respectful Irish homages, including the Irish Order of the Elvi (a gaggle of green-clad Elvis impersonators) and “Lards of the Dance” (a group of overweight cloggers).

Which I'm assuming looks something like this.

(I feel I should point out that I’m genuinely sad that I missed this. I would have dropped everything to attend. It’s not as though I’ve got anything important going on.)

Hot Springs is also home to the Arkansas Blarney Stone, which is incorporated into the festivities. Prior to the parade participants take part in a Blarney Stone Kissing Contest. According to promotional materials, “if you can romance the stone better than the others, you could win $100 cash!”

Which sounds like you actually have to use a little tongue if you want the cash.

Mouth Herpes--It's for life, kids.

The parade is big enough to attract a celebrity grand marshal. In the past, the role was filled by a veritable who’s-who of Dancing-With-the-Stars-level celebrities including Mario Lopez, Bo Derek, and the inimitable Pauly Shore.

Anal Herpes--It's for life, kids.

They’ve even drafted, on two separate years, John Ratzenberger and George Wendt from Cheers.

What--Norm gets hauled around, but Cliff has to walk?

This year, the corpulent ladies of Arkansas got to feast their hungry eyes on John Corbett. It was particularly exciting, because Corbett was providing his own horse.

ZING!

The promoter for the event optimistically declared “The addition of a star of John Corbett’s caliber is already stirring unprecedented interest in the parade.”

As well as interest in his miraculous changing hairline

In addition to the raw, sexual star-caliber of people like Pauly Shore and George Wendt, the parade also includes a cavalcade of celebrity look-alikes, including:

Paris Hilton

To keep with the Herpes theme?

Tiger Woods

Because They all look alike anyway. (Golfers, I mean.)

and Austin Powers

Because in Arkansas, its always 1997.

The audience is also encouraged to dress up…

I do believe this is a group of midget KISS impersonators

and dress up their animals…

seriously?

Despite the presence of little people dressed up like KISS and animal cruelty, the sponsors are quick to point out that this parade is not strictly a celebration of Eire. “It’s not devoted to a bunch of blarney about being Irish,” said the spokesman for the parade, displaying the tact Arkansans are known for. “It’s devoted to having fun.”

Obviously.

So God willing, I know where I’ll be next March 17th. I’ll be up in Hot Springs, celebrating a non-irish St. Pat’s and dressing up as a traditional Irish pickle.

Wait...what?

Posted by: Nanook | March 16, 2011

I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then

I had my whole plan worked out. I knew my limitations, and I knew I would be useless when confronted with blood and babies and female parts. That’s why when my lovely and vivacious wife gave birth to our son, I was going to be up near her head, offering a word of support and a hand to squeeze.

Of course, this wasn’t my first choice.

When she first asked me where I wanted to be during the delivery, I chose Cleveland.

But apparently that was too far away, so I sucked it up and decided to stay in the delivery room, albeit north of the knees. And for a while, it seemed like my plan would be successful. When it came time for the epidural, I was kicked out of the room. (I was not told that I had to come back, and had to figure that out on my own.)

Yet when the screaming started and it came time for junior to pop out, the doctors took one look at me, huddled in the corner, pale and shivering, and decided it would be a good idea for me to take an active role in the process. So I was enlisted, and immediately deployed to the front, forced to stand to the right of the delivery doctor and hold up my wife’s leg as she pushed down.

And because they assumed I really wanted to take such an active role in the proceedings, I got the one thing I didn’t want: I got a face-full of birth.

Luckily for Mrs. Nanook, I remained completely calm and mature during the entire process

At least I was somewhat prepared for that. I’ve listened to enough vintage Bill Cosby recordings to know I knew what to expect as I waited there, ready to experience the beauty of birth in all its disgusting splendor. It’s what has come after that has thrown me for a loop.

Everyone tells you that if you have a little boy, make sure you close your mouth when you’re changing him. Because he’ll probably pee in your mouth otherwise. And then they laugh like idiots, because being a parent apparently turns you into a raving sociopath.

The whole pee-thing is strange to me, and I don’t really understand it: A baby pees on your face, and it’s cute. But a 34 year old man pees on your face, and suddenly he’s facing charges for indecent exposure and criminal battery. Sheesh, excuse me for living. (And since when did street-walkers get so fussy?)

At any rate, face-pee was not that big a deal to me. My apartment had urine all over it long before the baby came, and it will have urine all over it long after he leaves, thank you very much.

Of course, someone might have taken the time to mention that not only do babies spray like cartoon fire-hoses while you’re changing their diapers, but they also unleash a liquid torrent of poop. So as you stand there with your mouth clamped shut and one hand supporting the baby, one hand holding the clean diaper, one hand removing the dirty diaper, one hand securing the pacifier in the baby’s mouth so he doesn’t scream, one hand clutching the butt-paste and baby wipes, and the remaining hands perfectly positioned to protect against the unleashed faucet, you get blindsided by what comes pouring out the back side.

Even Ganesh sucks at changing diapers

But even that is not the most upsetting to me. I can deal with sprayed feces–after all, I went to a public school.

One thing I WISH someone had thought to mention to me: Babies lactate.

I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. Babies grow boobs, and they lactate.

And somehow, it occurred to NOBODY that I might want a little heads up about this.

Posted by: Nanook | February 28, 2011

So that happened

What’s new with me? Oh, nothing much. I mean, I’ve started working out a little bit, because I put on a bit of weight recently and my pants are getting a bit snug. I also have been catching up on episodes of Dexter. But really, that’s about it.

Oh yeah. THIS happened.

So I’ve been running on adrenaline caused by sleep deprivation and infant poop-fumes for the past week. And I can’t help but feel like this all happened really, really fast. I know Ms. Nanook was pregnant for nine months, but it still seems like I just woke up a week ago and a tiny person had moved into my house without asking for permission and started crapping all over the place. Which is kind of a dick-move, actually.

You can tell he's a jerk just by looking at him.

Everyone is asking me “who does he look like? Does he look like your wife, or does he look like you?” The truth? He doesn’t look like anybody, except himself. I mean, I guess he looks like a wrinkly old man.

If I’m being honest, he actually he looks like an 18-inch tall Winston Churchill.

Mini-Churchill shall poop on the beaches, he shall poop on the landing grounds, he shall poop in the fields and in the streets, he shall poop in the hills.

And although I like to think that I contributed in my own small way to the pregnancy (blood tests will show that Winston Churchill is not, in fact, the father. Probably), here’s the thing: both my wife and I are now aware that her capacity to endure pain far exceeds my own. In fact, after watching her go through childbirth, I know there is no comparison. As I stood there trying my hardest not to retch, she, without blinking an eye, reenacted “Alien” in front of a room full of complete strangers.

She’s like Wolverine and Ivan Drago combined, and although that, in itself, is kind of awesome, it’s also humbling. Before the birth, I was always able to maintain the illusion that I was stronger (even though she is the person responsible in our house for killing spiders). Now, that illusion is shattered, and it seems like dangerous knowledge for her to have. It means that if she ever gets the urge, she knows that she will be able to break me into two weeping, bloody halves before I am even able to get her to complain about being sore.

Is it weird that this turns me on a little? It is, right?

Posted by: Nanook | February 14, 2011

The Classics

Anyone who knows me understands that I truly believe that the children are our future. We must treat them well, and let them lead the way. I also continue to believe that crack is whack.

Moralist Whitney Houston has still got it.

So it was with great sadness that I received the news that 71% of Arkansas students scored below the proficient level on the National Assessment of Education Progress reading test. Thankfully, things are changing, as I found out recently when I visited a local bookshop. There, I happened upon the following display, and I for one think it’s fantastic that people in Arkansas are starting to take such an interest in the classics.

Read on, you glorious Einsteins, read on.

Posted by: Nanook | February 4, 2011

Crazy Loy Mauch II (electric boogaloo)

People who complain about the lack of Nanook-posts should ease off. I am a very busy person, and lead a fast-paced, complicated life. What little spare time I do have during the day is precious.

And these testicles aren't going to scratch themselves.

Besides, nothing has been happening in the Natural State. Oh, it’s true that Nanook’s favorite white-supremacist state legislator (there’s more than one?) did begin his first term in office, and thus far, the only word to describe it would be “astonishing.”

Really, the lucky people in his district should be proud of him. Now that he is a respected politician, he has made a serious effort to curb his rampant racism. Instead, he has turned his watchful and hate-filled eye toward something that poses a greater threat to this country than the 13th Amendment. In his first legislative act, Representative Mauch (R-edefining the term “bat-shit”) has submitted a bill aimed at stopping the government from adding mood-altering chemicals to our drinking water.

It’s called “The Arkansas Water Additive Accountability Act,” and it bravely expresses all of our fears by exposing the fact that such chemicals frequently come from countries like Russia.

That’s right. Representative White-Trash McCrazy has apparently decided to model his legislative actions on the movie “Dr. Strangelove.”

Mauch can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

Well, THAT’S tax money well spent. But I guess it could be worse. We could be South Dakota.

Posted by: Nanook | January 17, 2011

Happy Irony Day

Christopher Columbus (bless his heart) doesn’t deserve his own holiday. In fact, it’s difficult to think of any other historical figure who has achieved more lasting fame while being completely incompetent.

Difficult, but not impossible

Columbus basically spent eight years floating around the Caribbean Sea, convinced that he was next to India. He never figured out that Cuba is actually an island, and he never came close to setting foot on (or even suspecting the existence of) the enormous landmass to the north that every elementary school child is told he discovered. He also filled his ships with iron pyrite (thinking it was gold) and tree bark (thinking it was cinnamon).

But Americans love to celebrate mediocrity, so for most of the United States the second Monday in October is devoted to him. But not in South Dakota, where I grew up. In South Dakota, we celebrated the official state holiday of Native American Day.

South Dakota (bless its heart) doesn’t offer much, but I was always proud of it for this.

Eat shit, North Dakota!

Of course, it would have been stupid to try to celebrate both Native American Day and Columbus Day at the same time. Since the basic ideals commemorated by each holiday are so antithetical to each other, why would anyone even consider celebrating both? I mean, on one had you have a celebration of indigenous people and their culture, and on the other you have a celebration of conquest and brutal enslavement. What kind of moron would think you should celebrate both days?

Anyway, now I’m in Arkansas.

The other day, my sister received this email from her boss: “This is a reminder that [we] will be closed on Monday, January 17 in observance of Martin Luther King Jr and Robert E. Lee Birthdays.”

Yes. Arkansas (along with Alabama and Mississippi–two states everyone wants to be associated with), actually celebrates Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert E. Lee on the same day.

Which, on the surface, doesn’t seem to make much sense. I mean, on the one hand, you have a modern-day hero, a clergyman who used non-violent methods to fight for (and eventually die for) the principle that all men are created equal.

And on the other you have Robert E. Lee: defender of slavery and a harsh critic of abolitionism, a slave-owner who brutally punished those who sought their rightful freedom. And let’s not forget that Lee was actually a traitor to his country, choosing to align himself with the eventual losers because he believed in the “pure, Christian, white commonwealth” he believed the Confederacy was meant to become.

I can’t imagine that either one of these guys would be happy sharing their holiday with the other. Smashing these two guys’ legacies together… It’s like a bad sitcom.

Albeit one that I would still watch every week.

Rob was all like "Let's play baseball and drink some wine," but Marty was all "no way. I'm going to change my tie and then finish dusting."

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