Posted by: Nanook | May 13, 2011

History According to Huckleberry

You know, for all his down-home whimsy and folksy charm, it’s easy to forget that Mike Huckabee is scary-as-hell… a frighteningly dogmatic theocrat. Which is why I love watching him, so thanks to Bud for making me aware of the following.

Although this seems like a set-up to a joke, good ol’ boy Huckleberry-Hound has created a series of animated videos that tell the “true” story of American history. (And even if this isn’t a joke, the videos will probably still be funnier than his recent “Obama Assassination Attempt” joke.)

Huckabee created this video series because he cares so much about the education of children. He worries that students’ “boring” textbooks have made them more susceptible to being indoctrinated into some kind of perverted commie/liberal belief system. “Some teachers and education boards are using history and social studies classes as their soap box to promote their own political opinions and biases” the Huck-ster rants, “And to me, that’s simply unacceptable.”

That’s right, folks: THIS MAN WILL NOT STAND FOR EDUCATORS FORCING THEIR PERSONAL BELIEFS ON CHILDREN. (It is presumed that the sort of bias that allows the Ten Commandments to be displayed in classrooms is A-OK.)

Does anyone else see the irony here?

Rest assured, this formerly morbidly-obese fundamentalist minister knows how to get kids excited about history in a “cool” way: by teaching a white-washed version of American History using “colorful and exciting animation that kids love.”

A cartoon about lower taxes? That IS cool!

Of course, like most Republicans, Huckabee wants to align himself with America’s 40th president. If homosexuality wasn’t a sin that led to bestiality and necrophilia, Huckabee would eagerly want to make tepid, consensual, missionary-style love to Reagan. Thus, the first video in the series, titled “The Reagan Revolution”, is an attempt to canonize the former Gipper.

Purists will like it because of how historically accurate it is. Kids will love it because it’s “hip” and “urban.” In one clip, for example, cartoon teenagers on the streets of Washington encounter a dark-skinned mugger clad in a “Disco” muscle shirt and armed with a knife, demanding money.

He's black, and he's dangerous. That's HISTORY, bitch!

Other scenes of violence unfold before Reagan appears like a white knight with a message of hope and optimism. It’s all very historical, although for the life of me I don’t remember learning about the time in 1977 when some dude in a red helmet ran amok in Washington DC.

HISTORY!!!

Huckleberry wants to bring pride back to American teenagers. (Although not Gay Pride. That leads to syphilis, communism, and eventually hell.) As a way to instill American pride back in students, a preview of the video “Origins of World War II” includes dialogue such as “Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America” and my favorite: “You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.”

Even the gals? That’s awfully big of you, huckybear.

For those of you keeping score at home: Shown in the preview? Kids out-pedaling Japanese kamikaze pilots on their bicycles on the beach. Not mentioned in the preview? Franklin Roosevelt.

Boom! You just got Huckabee’d, FDR.


Responses

  1. I’m sure it’s a mere coincidence coincidence that the “dark-skinned mugger in the disco shirt” bears a striking resemblence to our current President. Way to go Huck…you just made Mitt Romney look like a pragmatic centrist by comparison.


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