Much like an authentic Little Rockian (Little Rocker? Little Rockite?), I plopped myself down, jello-like, in front of the television last night to take in the local evening news. With bated breath I waited for the trusted anchors (they were, I was informed, the most trusted name in local news) to apprise me of the day’s important events. And I was certainly, in no way whatsoever, disappointed.
The top story? The weather. In case you weren’t aware, it snowed in Arkansas. It snowed a ton. And although there may have been a light dusting in other parts of the United States, God angrily meted out judgment upon Arkansas, smiting the State with his freezing wrath.
The first five minutes of the broadcast were spent discussing this turn of events, and reminding viewers to exercise caution during these dangerous conditions.
The next story informed the viewers that snow leads to dangerous driving conditions. How dangerous? I’m glad you asked. To help answer that question, the reporter needed to turn to the man in the street, who was interviewed as he shoveled his driveway.
The third story: Icy conditions make it hard to walk on the sidewalk, especially if you’re old! To support this breaking news story, the hardworking reporter traveled to a local senior center and interviewed the head nurse, who stated old people have balance issues. So please, the nurse seemed to beg, if you’re elderly, don’t leave your house. You’ll fall, break your hip, and become a burden on your hard-working family.
In a major coup, the reporter was also able to interview an elderly man who, with the can-do attitude the plucky decrepit are known for, ignored warnings to the contrary and shuffled (very slowly, no doubt) to the senior center for his daily walk.
(By the way, I swear this is all true. If you don’t believe me, ask my sister, who was also watching the news.)
The fourth story involved a man who was found dead at an apartment complex. At first, we assumed his death was attributable to the weather. Perhaps the snow and blustery wind had blown a hole in the man’s wall, raining down a fusillade of icicles which riddled his sleeping body. (Which, incidentally, is how I want to go). But no. Disappointingly, we were informed that he expired during a run-of-the-mill fire.
Which by itself if not funny. However, during the story, the producers of this segment included a shot of the apartment building complete with a “for rent” sign up. Because there’s no point letting an empty apartment just sit there.
Finally, it was time for a commercial break. Thankfully, upon their return they were going to tell us all about the weather.