Posted by: Nanook | February 21, 2010

Arkansas is a place where dreams come true…*

Recently, I was driving through my new town and trying hard to navigate the unfamiliar streets. My lovely and vivacious wife had taken the GPS that day, so I kept referring to the directions I had written out on a piece of paper that lay in my lap. Dangerous? Possibly. But I wasn’t worried because I’m really an excellent driver.

I was also distracted by the very real possibility that Wapner would be on soon

And so I was looking down to check the directions, and then looking up to drive. Looking down, and looking up. Down, and up. When suddenly and without provocation, the SUV in front of me was at a complete standstill and I was approaching its rear-end at approximately 40 mph.

Oh SHIZ

What happened next is reminiscent of the scene in “Goodfellas”–you know the one–the day Ray Liotta’s life completely unravels, and he almost gets into the car accident on the way to pick up his brother from the hospital.

Everything was going fine with Henry Hill's plan until Costner showed up and ruined everything.

Except, you know, instead of using my day-care provider to smuggle cocaine, I was exploring my new hometown. And instead of being followed by NARC helicopter, I was looking at the directions I had placed on my crotch.

inexplicably, this is the very first photo that comes up when I search for 'Crotch Directions' in Google Images.

At any rate, I tore my eyes away from my groin just in time to avoid the tragedy hurtling toward me at 40 mph. First I applied the brakes, but immediately entered a screeching skid that threatened to sweep me right into the rear of the SUV. I wrenched the wheel to right, swerving at the last-minute to avoid the collision with the SUV, and instead rammed my front tires into the curb.

A photo of the road and a metaphor for my shorts following this near accident.

Later investigation revealed that during the collision with the curb, my front right hub-cap spun off and was lost.

I told you that story in order to tell you this one:

Yesterday, my sister was driving me through my new downtown when she took a wrong turn. As we proceeded down the street, I slowly began to recognize the area as the site where this tragic car accident almost occurred 17 days prior. I was relying this story to my sister as we approached that fateful intersection when suddenly, there in the dirty gutter, I saw…

My Hub-cap!

Reunited and it feels so good!

After more than two weeks, my hub-cap found its way, Ulysses-like, back to me. Arkansas truly is a magical place.

Gary Busey says 'I'M SO HAPPY YOUR STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING. NOW I'M GOING TO DRINK OLD GUTTER-WATER AND KILL A HOBO!'

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Responses

  1. *With special thanks to my sister’s friend Amy for the title.

  2. From now on, you will be known to me by a new and appropriate nickname…”skid marks”.
    You are a funny, funny man!

  3. Kevin Costner never ruins anything.


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