Apparently, any Porky, Bubba or Kinky can get their name on the ballot in Arkansas, but they draw the line at “Colonel“, thank you very much.
According to a recent AP story, a retired colonel running for senate will not be allowed to include his military rank on the ballot, even though elected officials are allowed to use their titles on the ballot. So Conrad ‘Colonel’ Reynolds is out of luck.
This is great news, however, for State Representative David Powers, a Democrat from Hope who says that he has gone by the nickname “Bubba” his entire life.
Sadly, Mr. Powers decided that the office of state legislator required more dignity.
Thankfully, the word “dignity’ is absent from the vocabulary of Mr. Harold “Porky” Kimbrell. Mr. Kimbrell is including his “Porky” nickname on the ballot because, contrary to what you may believe, he seems proud of it. In what is beyond a doubt the most pathetic campaign speech in history, “Porky” Kimbrell states that in the fifth grade, he “was short, fat and had little ears, and [kids] started calling me Porky Pig…The name just stuck, and I started to agree with them.”
Of course the real tragedy of the situation is the fact that poor little Porky Kimbrell was mocked by his classmates. If there’s one lesson to be taken from this article, it’s this: kids are assholes.