Posted by: Nanook | March 24, 2010

Maybe it’s because no one can spell ‘Colonel’

Apparently, any Porky, Bubba or Kinky can get their name on the ballot in Arkansas, but they draw the line at “Colonel“, thank you very much.

According to a recent AP story, a retired colonel running for senate will not be allowed to include his military rank on the ballot, even though elected officials are allowed to use their titles on the ballot. So Conrad ‘Colonel’ Reynolds is out of luck.

This is great news, however, for State Representative David Powers, a Democrat from Hope who says that he has gone by the nickname “Bubba” his entire life.

'Hey--that's my line!'

Sadly, Mr. Powers decided that the office of state legislator required more dignity.

'What'rya sayin'?'

Thankfully, the word “dignity’ is absent from the vocabulary of Mr. Harold “Porky” Kimbrell. Mr. Kimbrell is including his “Porky” nickname on the ballot because, contrary to what you may believe, he seems proud of it. In what is beyond a doubt the most pathetic campaign speech in history, “Porky” Kimbrell states that in the fifth grade, he “was short, fat and had little ears, and [kids] started calling me Porky Pig…The name just stuck, and I started to agree with them.”

Unlike Porky, Mr. Kimbrell wears trousers. Probably.

Of course the real tragedy of the situation is the fact that poor little Porky Kimbrell was mocked by his classmates. If there’s one lesson to be taken from this article, it’s this: kids are assholes.

'kids can be so cruel and judgmental,' thinks this fat nerd.



  1. I really don’t know where you get your photos, but that last one make me spit out my coffee.

  2. Besides you guys, I only know three people from Arkansas, and one of them is named Bubba. So I’m going to extrapolate that 1/5 of the population of the state is so named. Does that seem pretty accurate?

  3. I have to say, your articles are something I look forward to every day. Yes, Jenny…the last one!? What?! Every spec of that photo is awesome!

  4. […] times. This was the unkindest cut of all. At least the other phrases had been used in the past: “Fat nerd”, “Prison Rape”…I even found an instance of using “McBoobs” (in a […]

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