Posted by: Nanook | April 20, 2010

I finally found a way to combine midget wrestling with Neifi Perez!

I don’t understand people who don’t like baseball. I think there’s nothing as wonderful as sitting in a beautiful ballpark on a warm summer night, eating a hot dog and peanuts and watching a ballgame.

even if your favorite team sucks

Yet some people complain that game is slow and boring. They’re wrong, of course, but some have the audacity to claim that the competitors aren’t even really athletes!

Obviously, these people never witnessed the awesomeness of Neifi Perez

While I don’t understand it, I’m grateful for it, because their apathy toward the national pastime is what leads teams to have such bizarre promotions in order to get people into the stadium. In Milwaukee, for example, decades of work to end bigotry and discrimination are nightly decimated when tiny racist sausages run for the fans’ amusement.

Italian sausage is about to get knifed by ole Chorizo

Washington takes the racing wiener concept and turns it into some sort of nightmarish tableau by answering the age-old question: What would our founding fathers look like if they suffered from gigantism and loved to race?

History teaches us that Teddy Roosevelt often collapsed under the sheer weight of his massive head.

But perhaps the greatest promotion I’ve seen advertised comes courtesy of my very own home-town team, the Little Rock Travelers, whose schedule for May 14 awesomely reads:

“Midget Wrestling!
The fantastic Travs pre-game tradition continues as Midget Wrestling returns to Dickey-Stephens Park. Puppet “The Psycho Dwarf” and L’il Kato are joined by Beautiful Bobby and T.O. in a battle for the World Midget Wrestling Tag Team Championship.

After the game, kids run the bases!”

It really doesn’t get any more family-friendly than that!

Puppet 'The Psycho Dwarf' probably wishes he made different life choices.

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Responses

  1. Teddy Roosevelt’s Giant Head made me spit out my water.

    • I’ve seen midget wrestling, at a bar in Fargo. It wasn’t as awesome as you might think. Mostly, it made me sad. Although that also could have been because I was drinking 3-for-1s and living in Fargo.

  2. I’m going to to finally give you one, on this and say you’re right. There are things finer than sitting outside and enjoying a game, but they are few. Unfortunately it took me 30 + years and a move across country to find out that it’s conditional on an outdoor stadium and sitting 3 rows up off 3rd base.

    The game IS slow, it IS tedious, and while there might be many well conditioned people with amazing hand eye coordination in the game there are few athletes. I’m sorry but I don’t care how hard you can hit throw or run, if you’re sport requires you to routinely sit on your ass for 10-15 minutes while everyone else besides you tries to do something, then it’s not a sport. It’s sitting in the line at the DMV. There may be occasional moments of brilliance like a close double play or a diving basket catch, but guess what Monkey Boy…. those are the highlights that X-treme (yes I use that mockingly) sports athletes use to prove that they have a real sport too. Nobody sees the 38 attempts they made where they wrecked their nuts. It’s only the highlights.

    The only reason I care if unnamed pitcher no hits…. say the Brewers is because I’m amazed that with all the time he spent scratching his nuts, looking at tape/hookers, and whatever else he did while he had nothing to do, that he could keep his head in the game.

    And don’t argue Minor League promotions, because baseball has nothing on hockey. Midget wrestling is nothing compared to the entire ice surface being dyed pink for breast cancer, or yellow because McDonalds sponsored the game. And I’m sure with your extensive knowledge of the game you can’t come up with players wearing orange jump suits and cop uniforms to promote baseball. Sadly I have pictures. Then there’s open bar night, dance on the pole night, and any other myriad of horrible things. Slap Shot isn’t a movie it’s the minor leagues across the board.

  3. […] remember, I have written about Olive Garden white trash, I’ve written about midget wrestling, and God knows I’ve taken [those rat bastard goat-humpers] PODS to task, so it surprised me that […]


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