Posted by: Nanook | May 20, 2010

She thinks his tractor’s sexy

This is a tale about a smaller town in Arkansas, but really you could go through the story and replace “Arkansas” with “South Dakota” or “Wisconsin” or “Nebraska” and it would still be a completely believable incident. Oh small town Americana–don’t you ever change. [Actually, thanks to your draconian, neo-conservative narrow-mindedness, I can rest assured that you probably won’t for many long years]

An Arkansas teen recently took his date to the prom in a tractor.

According to the story in the AP, a Bradford, AR teen picked up his date–a student named “Destiny”–in his family’s tractor. “I’ve farmed all my life and I’ve always been on one, and nobody’s ever come to the prom in a tractor,” Michael said. “It seemed like the right thing to do.”

There are three things about this situation that bother me:
1. He went to prom in a tractor
2. His girlfriend’s name is “Destiny” and she got taken to the prom in a tractor
3. The AP decided this was newsworthy.

I hope it was worth it. I hope these kids don’t look back with embarrassment at the time they made national news by traveling to a formal dance in bright green farm equipment–but they probably will. I would. Hell, I spend every day completely embarrassed by how I acted when I was 17, and I never even had the misfortune of being an AP story. Although I did once submerge my car in an icy field. I also set myself on fire. And I got kicked out of religion class and told not to come back because I made a joke about Jesus cheering for our basketball team.

you really had to be there.

So I know of what I speak.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe these youngsters will fool everybody and end up together, forever. Maybe these crazy kids will beat the odds, and be able to tell their grandchildren the wonderful story about how grandma got pregnant her senior year on the bucket seat of a John Deere.

You Complete Me!

Whatever.

Actually, come to think of it, I hope these two kids were at least smart enough to use the proper protection on their big night. Tractors can be dangerous. I should know–I once dated a girl who got gonorrhea from a dirty tractor seat.

At least she told me it was from the tractor seat

The scariest part of this entire story? The young man’s reasoning will stay with me as one of the most chilling displays of sociopathic behavior that ever I’ve heard. “No one’s ever come to prom in a tractor” so “it seemed like the right thing to do.” The mind reels at what other abnormal behavior a depraved mind could justify with this attitude.

'No one's ever done a snarky blog about living in the south and named it after an obscure silent movie from the 20's. It seemed like the right thing to do!'

Oh well. As I’m typing this, I realize that however much I mock, I am forced to admit that this guy’s ride is still better than what I drove to the prom:

'Baby, come back! I promise not to roofie you!'

So God speed, you crazy hillbillies. God speed.

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Responses

  1. The Ben Folds Five has a line in their masterpiece song, “Effington,” that your blog reminded me of: “If there’s a God, he is laughing at us and our football team.”

  2. I’m so happy that the pic I took of you in Mini-car made it on Nanook.

  3. I am grateful to have witnessed the author of this wonderful blog in his 17-year-old hey day. It really was embarrassing.

  4. I’m still trying to figure out how getting shot at by an irate farmer while gimping around on crutches missed the cut.

  5. That submerging his car in an icy field is a true story. I was there. Jay was maaaaaad at us! “It’s a field! This isn’t a road, it’s a field!”


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