This is a tale about a smaller town in Arkansas, but really you could go through the story and replace “Arkansas” with “South Dakota” or “Wisconsin” or “Nebraska” and it would still be a completely believable incident. Oh small town Americana–don’t you ever change. [Actually, thanks to your draconian, neo-conservative narrow-mindedness, I can rest assured that you probably won’t for many long years]
An Arkansas teen recently took his date to the prom in a tractor.
According to the story in the AP, a Bradford, AR teen picked up his date–a student named “Destiny”–in his family’s tractor. “I’ve farmed all my life and I’ve always been on one, and nobody’s ever come to the prom in a tractor,” Michael said. “It seemed like the right thing to do.”
There are three things about this situation that bother me:
1. He went to prom in a tractor
2. His girlfriend’s name is “Destiny” and she got taken to the prom in a tractor
3. The AP decided this was newsworthy.
I hope it was worth it. I hope these kids don’t look back with embarrassment at the time they made national news by traveling to a formal dance in bright green farm equipment–but they probably will. I would. Hell, I spend every day completely embarrassed by how I acted when I was 17, and I never even had the misfortune of being an AP story. Although I did once submerge my car in an icy field. I also set myself on fire. And I got kicked out of religion class and told not to come back because I made a joke about Jesus cheering for our basketball team.
So I know of what I speak.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe these youngsters will fool everybody and end up together, forever. Maybe these crazy kids will beat the odds, and be able to tell their grandchildren the wonderful story about how grandma got pregnant her senior year on the bucket seat of a John Deere.
Actually, come to think of it, I hope these two kids were at least smart enough to use the proper protection on their big night. Tractors can be dangerous. I should know–I once dated a girl who got gonorrhea from a dirty tractor seat.
The scariest part of this entire story? The young man’s reasoning will stay with me as one of the most chilling displays of sociopathic behavior that ever I’ve heard. “No one’s ever come to prom in a tractor” so “it seemed like the right thing to do.” The mind reels at what other abnormal behavior a depraved mind could justify with this attitude.
Oh well. As I’m typing this, I realize that however much I mock, I am forced to admit that this guy’s ride is still better than what I drove to the prom:
So God speed, you crazy hillbillies. God speed.