We were flushed with piousness as we drove away from the World’s Biggest Cross, and so it was fortunate that our next destination celebrated secular joys. Paris has its Eiffel Tower, New York has the Statue of Liberty, and Gays, Illinois has one of the few remaining multi-story outhouses on the planet.
That’s right, I said a two-story outhouse. As in, a double-decker. As in topsies and bottomsies.
Though wee in population, the Gays citizens are turgid with pride when dealing with the celebrity outhouse. The town even erected an official highway sign that sits out on the county road, luring in weary travelers interested in historical bathrooms.
The outhouse stands majestically in a small park named after the late Gene Goodwin, ex-mayor of Gays and president of Gays’ village board. According to the park’s sign, Mr. Goodwin was a “devoted promoter of the Historical Two Story Outhouse”.
Apparently, the upper and lower poop-holes were discretely placed on opposite sides of the structure, allowing droppings from above to plummet out-of-sight (though not, presumably, out of earshot). Sadly, the outhouse is padlocked to keep out tourists seeking to fully experience the joys of this structure.
So beloved is this outhouse that at the center of the park stands a squat billboard containing an original poem. The poem reads:
In England they have urinals
In Paris bidets
But nowhere on earth
Has an outhouse like Gays
The billboard also displays press clippings and town notices under glass. To our immature delight, many of the clippings contained headlines such as “Gays Excited About Outhouse.”