Posted by: Nanook | December 10, 2010

lip cancer

According to this news story, Arkansas is one of the most unhealthy states in the U.S., ranked 48 out of 50, narrowly beating out such luminaries as Louisiana and Alabama.

SCREW YOU ALABAMA!

I guess we’re number 40 when it comes to fruit and vegetable intake. Which doesn’t seem right, since most meals down here come with a vegetable. Then you remember that macaroni & cheese is considered a vegetable in Arkansas. As are french fries.

Nanook once became a vegan; he gained 169 pounds and was declared clinically dead twice.

The health rating is particularly alarming to someone like me, who tends toward the hypochondriatic.

That's not actually a word.

I go through imagined illnesses more often than I change my socks. In the past week alone, I’ve had two imaginary heart attacks, mono, and grave’s disease. And I don’t even really understand what grave’s disease is.

Also, whenever I smell toast, I’m convinced I’m having a stroke.

My penchant for over-diagnosing is so bad, my lovely and vivacious wife no longer allows me to go to WebMD. A couple years ago, I accidentally bit the inside of my lip so hard that scar tissue built up, causing a slight bump. Even though it was only scar tissue, I became convinced that I had somehow gotten lip-cancer.

That's not actually a thing.

The strange thing is that when confronted with actual illness, I’m strangely non-committal. I was once misdiagnosed with Lyme disease. The nurse telephoned me late in the afternoon, and told me that the tests had come back positive for the disease. I remember thinking to myself “huh,” and then saying to the nurse “Huh.” And I hung up and went back to watching cartoons. It was only later, when my then-girlfriend started crying with concern, that it occurred to me that I should possibly learn more about the illness.

It’s the unknown that frightens me. Confirmed lyme disease? Meh. Assumed lip cancer? Complete panic.

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