End of Times

Arkansas is sometimes called “the natural state,” and I guess that’s accurate, provided that by “natural” you mean “terrifying apocalyptic destruction of God’s creatures.”

Which doesn't fit as nicely on a license plate

In case you missed it, on Friday, December 31, about 2,000 birds fell stone dead out of the sky over beautiful Beebe, Arkansas. If by “beautiful,” you mean “littered with thousands of bird carcasses.”

Apparently, the birds showed signs of physical trauma, leading at least one ornithologist to theorize that the flock could have been hit by lightning.

Ah yes, bird-massacring lightening is the most well-known kind of lightening.

While others doubt the well-thought-out lightening theory, at least one Game and Fish Commissioner has come up with the even stupider hypothesis that the birds all ran into a house.

What I don’t understand is that officials are overlooking the most obvious answer: Date Rape. It fits, and if you think about it. It was New Year’s Eve, and the birds are out partying. They meet up with some college guy that seems really into them, and they spend the evening grope-dancing at the local hot-spot. The birds go to the ladies’ room, and the guy slips something in their drink. An hour later, after they’ve given up the goods, they pass out.

Mystery over.

dat flock was askin' fo it, yo!

Or at least, I thought they mystery was over. Until the next day, when over 100,000 dead fish washed ashore on the banks of the Arkansas River. And no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not envision noted actor and notorious douchebag Channing Tatum date-raping 100,000 fish. And believe me, I tried hard.

But as we all know, enormous groups of animals suddenly drop dead all the time. There’s certainly nothing odd about it, just because it happened one day after bird-pocolypse. Besides, government officials have said nothing is wrong, and why would they lie? In fact, although 100,000 fish were floating belly-up, fishing was still encouraged on the river. With one important caveat: Do not eat the dead fish.

Because in Arkansas, you apparently have to tell people not to grab your dinner from a decaying pile of 100,000 fish.

At any rate, thanks to CNN’s hard hitting news coverage of the issue, we all got to learn what noted actor Kirk Cameron thinks about it.

Mike Seaver is great, but where art thou Boner Stabone?