I KNEW it was the gays!

Evidently, I’m not the only person concerned about mass bird deaths occurring throughout the world. And I’m happy to announce that my hypothesis that the birds were being mass-ruffied and then date-raped to death by actor Channing Tatum is no longer the stupidest.

Get ready to take the short-bus to crazy-town

That honor now goes to Cindy Jacobs, the woman passing a kidney stone in the above photo. Ms. Jacobs is a self-described “prophet” who was ordered by the lord, at age 31, to pick up her cross “and follow him.”

Aside from the fact that the Lord’s command was so ambiguous as to be useless, there were many other reasons why Ms. Jacobs was reluctant to follow this order. In telling her story, Jacobs states that at one point she even got onto her knees, pleading “God, didn’t You notice that I am the wrong gender? Besides, Lord, I don’t like women ministers. They have those high, squeaky, unpleasant voices.”

Channing Tatum says 'Tru 'dat, bitch.'

Apparently, God never did notice she was the wrong gender. Which is understandable, since she looks suspiciously like Eddie Izzard.

Perhaps, in one final, mean-spirited act, God ordered her to dress like a tranny.

At any rate, even though she (probably) has a vagina, Cindy Jacobs became a minister. Which is fantastic, because she has single-handily solved the mystery behind the recent bird deaths in Arkansas. According to Jacobs, God is angry because of the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. So he’s killing all the birds.

Kind of a dick move there, God.

The logic goes like this: The birds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas. AND the Governor of Arkansas’ name is Beebe. AND Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was “put out” by former Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton. IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I can't figure out why God just didn't have the birds die over Clinton, AR. That would have been a much easier code to decipher. But then, He does work in mysterious, murdering ways.

Anyway, here’s the video:

Well, I’m glad that’s cleared up.

Before you unbelievers scoff, bear in mind that Ms. Jacobs is a “respected prophet who travels the world ministering not only to crowds of people, but to heads of nations,” according to her website. In the past, her prophecies have touched on issues of great national importance. Why, just recently she has warned that if Proposition 8 was repealed, a massive earthquake would hit California.

Hmmm… an earthquake? In California? My god, she really IS a prophet.

The Great Nanook predicts that this winter, the Vikings will suck and there will be snow in Minnesota. FEAR MY POWER!

Based on those credentials, I admit I find it hard to believe that any “head of nation” would actually be gullible enough to…

...never mind.

But don’t get the impression that Ms. Jacobs is simply a crack-pot homophobe willing to exploit bigotry in order to sway the religiously ignorant. In fact, she is so much more. For example, she enjoys gardening, and spending time with her grandchildren.

Apparently, she also enjoys beating the hell out of asian girls.