Posted by: Nanook | January 12, 2011

I KNEW it was the gays!

Evidently, I’m not the only person concerned about mass bird deaths occurring throughout the world. And I’m happy to announce that my hypothesis that the birds were being mass-ruffied and then date-raped to death by actor Channing Tatum is no longer the stupidest.

Get ready to take the short-bus to crazy-town

That honor now goes to Cindy Jacobs, the woman passing a kidney stone in the above photo. Ms. Jacobs is a self-described “prophet” who was ordered by the lord, at age 31, to pick up her cross “and follow him.”

Aside from the fact that the Lord’s command was so ambiguous as to be useless, there were many other reasons why Ms. Jacobs was reluctant to follow this order. In telling her story, Jacobs states that at one point she even got onto her knees, pleading “God, didn’t You notice that I am the wrong gender? Besides, Lord, I don’t like women ministers. They have those high, squeaky, unpleasant voices.”

Channing Tatum says 'Tru 'dat, bitch.'

Apparently, God never did notice she was the wrong gender. Which is understandable, since she looks suspiciously like Eddie Izzard.

Perhaps, in one final, mean-spirited act, God ordered her to dress like a tranny.

At any rate, even though she (probably) has a vagina, Cindy Jacobs became a minister. Which is fantastic, because she has single-handily solved the mystery behind the recent bird deaths in Arkansas. According to Jacobs, God is angry because of the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. So he’s killing all the birds.

Kind of a dick move there, God.

The logic goes like this: The birds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas. AND the Governor of Arkansas’ name is Beebe. AND Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was “put out” by former Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton. IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

I can't figure out why God just didn't have the birds die over Clinton, AR. That would have been a much easier code to decipher. But then, He does work in mysterious, murdering ways.

Anyway, here’s the video:

Well, I’m glad that’s cleared up.

Before you unbelievers scoff, bear in mind that Ms. Jacobs is a “respected prophet who travels the world ministering not only to crowds of people, but to heads of nations,” according to her website. In the past, her prophecies have touched on issues of great national importance. Why, just recently she has warned that if Proposition 8 was repealed, a massive earthquake would hit California.

Hmmm… an earthquake? In California? My god, she really IS a prophet.

The Great Nanook predicts that this winter, the Vikings will suck and there will be snow in Minnesota. FEAR MY POWER!

Based on those credentials, I admit I find it hard to believe that any “head of nation” would actually be gullible enough to…

...never mind.

But don’t get the impression that Ms. Jacobs is simply a crack-pot homophobe willing to exploit bigotry in order to sway the religiously ignorant. In fact, she is so much more. For example, she enjoys gardening, and spending time with her grandchildren.

Apparently, she also enjoys beating the hell out of asian girls.

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Posted by: Nanook | January 10, 2011

Sex Bomb

I once had a girlfriend break up with me on my birthday. After she did it, I said “wow, you’re breaking up with me on my birthday?” Then she said “Omigod—I totally forgot it’s your birthday.”

That stung.

But I never felt the need to retaliate in any way. Even if I had wanted to get back at her, I would have done something simple like putting a dead fish in her radiator, or stealing her underwear. You know…something normal.

But, as I’ve mentioned before, the long, cold, dark winters of Minnesota sometimes cause people to do crazy things. And one Minnesotan recently decided to kick things up a notch when he went after his ex-girlfriend by giving her…an exploding sex toy for Christmas!.

This handsome devil is the reason your mother always nagged you about accepting christmas vibrators from ex-boyfriends.

The vagina-bomber was staying with his ex-girlfriend (the intended victim) and another woman. According to the story, the man “mentioned to one of the two roommates his intentions, so they [sic] reported their [sic] suspicions about the bags to the police.”

Although the article doesn’t say, one can only assume that the roommate he mentioned it to was not the one whose vagina he was trying to explode.

Also, I also really enjoyed how the article pointed out that the guy was “a long-time customer at Lindner’s Liquor.” I smell a Pulitzer!

When most people hear the words "news" and "dildo," they automatically think of Don Shelby. ZING!

*Incidentally, “The Vagina Bombers” would make a pretty sweet band name.

Posted by: Nanook | January 5, 2011

End of Times

Arkansas is sometimes called “the natural state,” and I guess that’s accurate, provided that by “natural” you mean “terrifying apocalyptic destruction of God’s creatures.”

Which doesn't fit as nicely on a license plate

In case you missed it, on Friday, December 31, about 2,000 birds fell stone dead out of the sky over beautiful Beebe, Arkansas. If by “beautiful,” you mean “littered with thousands of bird carcasses.”

Apparently, the birds showed signs of physical trauma, leading at least one ornithologist to theorize that the flock could have been hit by lightning.

Ah yes, bird-massacring lightening is the most well-known kind of lightening.

While others doubt the well-thought-out lightening theory, at least one Game and Fish Commissioner has come up with the even stupider hypothesis that the birds all ran into a house.

What I don’t understand is that officials are overlooking the most obvious answer: Date Rape. It fits, and if you think about it. It was New Year’s Eve, and the birds are out partying. They meet up with some college guy that seems really into them, and they spend the evening grope-dancing at the local hot-spot. The birds go to the ladies’ room, and the guy slips something in their drink. An hour later, after they’ve given up the goods, they pass out.

Mystery over.

dat flock was askin' fo it, yo!

Or at least, I thought they mystery was over. Until the next day, when over 100,000 dead fish washed ashore on the banks of the Arkansas River. And no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not envision noted actor and notorious douchebag Channing Tatum date-raping 100,000 fish. And believe me, I tried hard.

But as we all know, enormous groups of animals suddenly drop dead all the time. There’s certainly nothing odd about it, just because it happened one day after bird-pocolypse. Besides, government officials have said nothing is wrong, and why would they lie? In fact, although 100,000 fish were floating belly-up, fishing was still encouraged on the river. With one important caveat: Do not eat the dead fish.

Because in Arkansas, you apparently have to tell people not to grab your dinner from a decaying pile of 100,000 fish.

At any rate, thanks to CNN’s hard hitting news coverage of the issue, we all got to learn what noted actor Kirk Cameron thinks about it.

Mike Seaver is great, but where art thou Boner Stabone?

Posted by: Nanook | December 23, 2010

Gross Fears

Sometimes I think about my future with my son, and I’m fine. And sometimes I’m not. Sometimes, I think about the future and I want to skedaddle. I want it to be like a cartoon, where my legs are just spinning like a pinwheel until I get traction, and then you’d hear the sound of a slide-whistle as I burst out of the house, leaving a Nanook-shaped hole in the wall.

artist's representation

It’s not as though serious things are causing the freak-outs. I’m not obsessed with the new financial obligations, or the baby’s health, or the fact that I have to stop sniffing glue. The things that freak me out tend to be relatively insignificant.

Yesterday, I got caught up in one little fact: Boys are gross. There is no way around that. Boys do weird stuff, and they smell funny—a cloud of funk is constantly draped around their body. Boys pick their nose and eat their own scabs.

'Actually, that was just you.'

That kid you know in elementary school—the one who would eat anything for a dollar? That was never a little girl. The one who could burp the alphabet? A boy. The one who thought it was hilarious to hand a refrigerated cup of his own urine to his brother and tell him it was lemonade? That hombre was riding around with an extra Y chromosome. And boys only get worse as they get older. They smell funkier, and they teabag foreheads and victimize their friends with the ultimate sit-up, and then sit around and giggle like imbeciles.

And it doesn’t matter that the pee/lemonade thing is still really, really funny. It was still weird. It was still something that should probably not be encouraged as acceptable social behavior in our day and age.

Don’t get me wrong: I have very little experience with girls, but I would imagine that they are also completely messed up. However, I feel like their weirdness won’t manifest itself until they’re around 12, when their bitchiness-gene becomes fully developed and their bodies start going through Bruce Banner-like changes that, although I’m almost 34, I still don’t fully understand.

Seriously, that thing looks like a cow skull people see in the Texas desert.

But boys are weird from the get-go. I wouldn’t be surprised if my child drops out of the womb playing the old “pull my finger” game and laughing like an idiot.

Well, I’d be a little surprised, but if he’s anything like his old man, he’ll be weird. Hell, when I was little, I used to tell people that I was actually a monkey who had his tail cut off in an accident. I used to go up to strangers and say this to them! I used to spit on the living room carpet. My parents had to actually sit me down and tell me not to spit on the living room carpet, BECAUSE I WAS SPITTING ON THE LIVING ROOM CARPET!

So, you know, I have that to look forward to.

Posted by: Nanook | December 16, 2010

Becoming Santa

Even though there is no snow, it’s finally beginning to look a lot like Christmas. My lovely and vivacious wife and I have put up our tree and decked our hall, and I am settling into that tingly feeling of pre-Noel anticipation. I’ve even received one of my gifts early: a Dyson roller-ball vacuum cleaner. It’s quite possibly the greatest gift I have ever been given.

Nanook has been intimate with the Dyson three times already, much to the dog's chagrin

But recently it occurred to me: by this time next year, we will have a 10 month old. That’s a sobering realization. And then I recalled hearing that there were the three stages of a man’s life:

1. He believes in Santa Clause
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Clause
3. He is Santa Clause

Next Christmas, I become Santa Clause. This is the last Christmas where I get to be the kid. That thought panicked me at first. The pregnancy is an amazing and wonderful experience, an actual real-life miracle. And most days I’m excited. Most days.

only occasionally do I feel as though I'm staring down the grill of an oncoming express train.

But now I think: maybe it’s okay. It’s exciting, really. I haven’t played with toys for years, yet as I stroll down store aisles I’m actually jealous about how many awesome toys are available. Also, there are a myriad of things adorned with cartoon monkeys that I can buy. Because who doesn’t like monkeys? (Seriously, when I was a kid, if you had given me all the cheese I could eat and a pet monkey, I would have been the happiest child in the history of the world.)

Come to think of it, it'd still be pretty awesome.

And the books! The children’s section of Barnes & Noble has been a crazy trip down memory lane, as I become reacquainted with old friends: Harold, Frog & Toad, Alexander (the jerk who’s having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day). Remember those? Remember Corduroy and the Velveteen Rabbit?

Remember this? EVERYBODY had this book!

I got a vacuum cleaner for Christmas this year, and I thought it was the greatest thing ever. When did I become that guy? This isn’t the last year that I get to be the kid; instead, this is the last year I’ll go through Christmas without experiencing it through my child’s joyful eyes.

I’m really going to enjoy becoming Santa. I can’t wait to meet my son, and watch him as he experiences for the first time the things I loved as a child.

Although I gotta' say, Dr. Seuss is a lot edgier than I remember

Posted by: Nanook | December 14, 2010

Church and/or State

Alright folks, let’s play a little game that I just made up. We’ll call it: “Church or Government Building?”

It’s pretty easy. Some old friends help by showing you a photo of a building here in Little Rock, and you have to guess whether said building is a house of God or a seat of government.

Number 1

Angry Fozzie Bear says "what could it be?"

Give up? It’s a…

[drum roll]

Government Building!

Wacka-wacka, mutha-f**cka

Gosh, that was fun. Let’s try another one!

Number 2

Your answer will blow Gary Busey's mind

So, is it a church, or a government building? Or has the vision of Gary Busey so rattled you that you are unable to remember anything as you lose yourself in his insane eyes? Want the answer? Of course you do.

It’s a…

[drum roll]

Government Building!

Since you got it wrong, Gary Busey will now bite the head off this live baby.

Goodness gracious! Who knew this could be so much fun while still being educational? Okay, one more:

Number 3

Hitler Baby demands your answer SCHNELL!

I know you’re dying for the answer, so here it is:

It’s a…

[drum roll]

Church! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I vill crush you. Crush you like der SUDETENLAND!

Oh wow. That was good fun. Good, clean fun. And I think we all learned a little something. We’re going to have to do that again sometime.

The fat nerd can't believe he got passed over for Hitler Baby.

Posted by: Nanook | December 12, 2010

Personals (The Heavenly Eleven-ly edition)

Today’s personal comes (as always) from that bastion of good journalism, The Arkansas Democrat Gazette:

“Carol’s and Brenda’s Friend can call Carol at 501-7##-#### or you can call Brenda”

Thanks for spelling out both options for us!

Posted by: Nanook | December 10, 2010

lip cancer

According to this news story, Arkansas is one of the most unhealthy states in the U.S., ranked 48 out of 50, narrowly beating out such luminaries as Louisiana and Alabama.

SCREW YOU ALABAMA!

I guess we’re number 40 when it comes to fruit and vegetable intake. Which doesn’t seem right, since most meals down here come with a vegetable. Then you remember that macaroni & cheese is considered a vegetable in Arkansas. As are french fries.

Nanook once became a vegan; he gained 169 pounds and was declared clinically dead twice.

The health rating is particularly alarming to someone like me, who tends toward the hypochondriatic.

That's not actually a word.

I go through imagined illnesses more often than I change my socks. In the past week alone, I’ve had two imaginary heart attacks, mono, and grave’s disease. And I don’t even really understand what grave’s disease is.

Also, whenever I smell toast, I’m convinced I’m having a stroke.

My penchant for over-diagnosing is so bad, my lovely and vivacious wife no longer allows me to go to WebMD. A couple years ago, I accidentally bit the inside of my lip so hard that scar tissue built up, causing a slight bump. Even though it was only scar tissue, I became convinced that I had somehow gotten lip-cancer.

That's not actually a thing.

The strange thing is that when confronted with actual illness, I’m strangely non-committal. I was once misdiagnosed with Lyme disease. The nurse telephoned me late in the afternoon, and told me that the tests had come back positive for the disease. I remember thinking to myself “huh,” and then saying to the nurse “Huh.” And I hung up and went back to watching cartoons. It was only later, when my then-girlfriend started crying with concern, that it occurred to me that I should possibly learn more about the illness.

It’s the unknown that frightens me. Confirmed lyme disease? Meh. Assumed lip cancer? Complete panic.

Posted by: Nanook | December 3, 2010

The Andrew Show

Did you know that white people are a minority in America? Did you know that white people are a minority in the world? Did you know that the white race needs saving? Well, it’s all true. I learned it from my new friend Andrew, the precocious ten-year old writer and star of “The Andrew Show: A Show for White Kids.”

That’s right. This ten-year old has his own web-series aimed solely at whitey.

'Two and a Half Men' is another show aimed solely at white audiences

Andrew and his family (or “klan,” as I believe they like to be called) hail (HEIL!) from Harrison, Arkansas. He’s just like any other normal, well-adjusted kid. He comes off as kind of a brat, has a pretty severe speech impediment, and is the grandson of a national KKK leader.

Ol' toothless uncle Pete never did fit in with the family

Admittedly, I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m not sure what I was expecting from a “television show” aired on a website called WHITEPRIDETV.COM. At first, I thought “hey, a little kid being super racist while reviewing movies? That’s comedy gold!”

And I was right.

He’s such a cute little racist! “HI MY NAME IS ANDWEW, AND THIS SHOW IS FO AW THE WHITE KIDS OUT THEW.” Then he goes into a nice little story about Christmastime, and making cookies with his mom. I have to admit, I do kind of love that this kid is super racist but also still very much a little kid with little kid’s logic. He obviously learned his racism from his parents, but they definitely did not help him flesh out his cookie-frosting analogy. That baby is all his: “When you put diffewent colows in it, the white fwosting…it can nevew be white again. Which is how it is when you race-mix. Pwetty much.”

Hitler Cat knows it's not nice to be mean to kids with speech impediments, but it's also not nice to have a really racist tv show. So let's just call it a wash, okay?

I also really dig the ominous music at the beginning, but I’m pretty sure the music that plays at the end is the Seinfeld theme.

Here’s a video of Andy and his pal Alex reviewing the Disney tale “The Princess and the Frog.”

The best part occurs at around the 1:00 mark. Andy throws the show over to Alex for a “special comment,” but all Alex can muster is some incoherent muttering. As if stunned by this shameful televised faux pas, Andy can merely stare at Alex, shake his head and say “Dat sownds pwetty sad.”

This little bastard ruined the entire show with his poorly thought-out commentary

Shockingly, Andy and his siblings are home-schooled. According to his mother, “America’s students today are not taught correct national history and I believe that is a great part of the undoing of our people.” Andy’s sister agrees with this, arguing “What role did black people play in the history of America? I mean no offense, but none.”

Why would that be offensive?

His mom’s commitment to his education has paid off, as was evident in the very first show:

Here, he talks about all the wonderful things white people have made “like Awopwanes, caws, cwothes, computews, and maybe other things.” But you know, for a racist, it seems like he’s forgetting an awful lot of pretty important white inventors.

Other things I love about this video:
–Really? Clothes makes the list, but penicillin doesn’t?
–How he spends about 3 minutes just showing off his lego creations before abruptly bringing it back to crazy town with the ending racist rant.
–Absolutely everything.

Oh well. It's still more fair and balanced than Fox News.

Posted by: Nanook | November 17, 2010

Gitten’ the gov’ment we deserve

Poor Arkansas. We’ve been the subject of some seriously bad press lately. First, there was the whole business with that homophobic school-board member who publicly stated that gay students should kill themselves. His comments made national headlines, and numerous celebrities spoke out against his small-minded hate speech.

When Sulu calls you a douchebag, it's time to re-evaluate your position.

And now this.

During the recent election, Arkansans elected good ol’ boy Loy Mauch (R) to the state legislature. The problem is that this guy wasn’t a candidate so much as he was a negative caricature of southerners. Here is a list of what makes Mauch (R)(eligious right) so awesomely red-neck:

1. He is the one-time commander of the Sons of the Confederate Veterans post. And what was one of his major accomplishments as commander, you ask? Well, in 2004, angered that the city of Hot Springs refused to remove a statue of Abraham Lincoln that was displayed in the civic center, the organization hosted a conference called “Seminar on Abraham Lincoln — Truth vs. Myth.”

Mauch (R)(edneck) defended his actions by claiming that fellow-republican Lincoln didn’t follow the Constitution. Using the level-headed rhetoric racists are generally known for, he argued that “having an exhibition anywhere in Dixie of this depraved thug is the equivalent of having a statue of Adolph Hitler in Israel.

Hitler baby and Hitler cat are insulted by your comparison

And so the conference went forward as planned. The best part must have been the keynote address, which was entitled…wait for it…

“Homage to John Wilkes Booth”.

Seriously.

Still more fair and balanced than Fox News

2. Mauch (R)(acist) likes the Confederate Flag. A lot. In 2008, he defended a local hotel owner’s decision to fly the Confederate battle flag in front of his hotel in response to the election of Barack Obama. “The government has lost its moral authority over God-fearing Americans,” Mauch (R)(at-face) wrote to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. “I wish more patriots … would take their stand for what the Confederate Battle Flag truly symbolizes.”

And I think we all know what he meant.

Slavery?

The son of God. When asked what the Confederate flag symbolizes, Mauch (R)(eally small penis) said: “It’s a symbol of Jesus Christ above all else.” Now, I’m neither a raving lunatic nor a small-minded racist, so I am not entirely convinced by his argument. I’ve read the bible, and I just can’t see how the official battle flag of an army that was fighting for their right to enslave humans could be a symbol for the son of God. But then again, I’m just an uppity, elitist Yankee who doesn’t understand the subtle ways of Jebus anyhows.

YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW

3. Mauch (R)(accoon-molester) is a current member of The League of the South, a group that, according to its website, advocates for “the secession and subsequent independence of the southern states from this forced union and the formation of a southern republic.”

The site also encourages members to personally secede from the corrupt “influence of post-Christian culture in America” by home-schooling children and creating “parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties.”

I KNEW home-schooled kids were weird.

(BTW: The League of the South is monitored by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group)

When asked about his involvement in the League of the South, which listed him as the chairman of their western Arkansas chapter as late as 2005, Mauch (R)(epugnant) said that although he’s a dues paying member, he is too busy to be active in the organization and doesn’t attend meetings. He said the chair position was “just a title.” (sort of like “Grand Dragon?”–ed.)

He also has defended the patriotism of the group. “We don’t think we should secede from the Union,” Mauch (R)(e-defines the term “inbred yokel”) said, contrary to the League’s website. “We just want constitutional government. Secession has never been unconstitutional.”

It’s difficult to argue with that statement, mostly because it is illogical, thinly veiled neo-confederate gibberish: We don’t think we should secede from the union, because we want a constitutional government and secession is constitutional.

It’s also factually incorrect.

Hitler Baby finds it difficult to believe that someone as intelligent as Mauch (R)(etarded) would have gotten his facts incorrect!

Of course secession is unconstitutional. Ol’ “Father of the Constitution” James Madison stated that the Tenth Amendment did not give the states the implied power secession. Also, the Supreme Court has found secession to be unconstitutional in the 1868 case of Texas v. White, 74 U.S. 700.

Which is probably why Mauch (R)(oyal ass-clown) wasn’t aware of it: It was decided after the war of northern aggression. Also, by that time the court was probably filled up with Jews, too!

Justice Scalia was always the sole minority vote in the Supreme Court of Awesome

For his part, the newly-elected Mauch (R)(elatively three dimensional, as fictional characters go) claims to be just another small-government Republican. He knows that small government is the answer to all America’s problems, and wants to cut government regulation of business because it is un-American to let the Government intrude on capitalism. (Presumably, things he feels okay about letting government meddle with include: marijuana, sex, law enforcement, fire-fighting, the court system, farm subsidies, air travel, medication, rural electricity, currency, mail, domestic spying, support for Christianity, education, a woman’s uterus, medicare, the death penalty, marriage, the military, and the highway system.)

We're America. The only rights we believe in are the right to carry guns the right to kick your ass

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