Poor Arkansas. We’ve been the subject of some seriously bad press lately. First, there was the whole business with that homophobic school-board member who publicly stated that gay students should kill themselves. His comments made national headlines, and numerous celebrities spoke out against his small-minded hate speech.
When Sulu calls you a douchebag, it's time to re-evaluate your position.
And now this.
During the recent election, Arkansans elected good ol’ boy Loy Mauch (R) to the state legislature. The problem is that this guy wasn’t a candidate so much as he was a negative caricature of southerners. Here is a list of what makes Mauch (R)(eligious right) so awesomely red-neck:
1. He is the one-time commander of the Sons of the Confederate Veterans post. And what was one of his major accomplishments as commander, you ask? Well, in 2004, angered that the city of Hot Springs refused to remove a statue of Abraham Lincoln that was displayed in the civic center, the organization hosted a conference called “Seminar on Abraham Lincoln — Truth vs. Myth.”
Mauch (R)(edneck) defended his actions by claiming that fellow-republican Lincoln didn’t follow the Constitution. Using the level-headed rhetoric racists are generally known for, he argued that “having an exhibition anywhere in Dixie of this depraved thug is the equivalent of having a statue of Adolph Hitler in Israel.”
Hitler baby and Hitler cat are insulted by your comparison
And so the conference went forward as planned. The best part must have been the keynote address, which was entitled…wait for it…
“Homage to John Wilkes Booth”.
Still more fair and balanced than Fox News
2. Mauch (R)(acist) likes the Confederate Flag. A lot. In 2008, he defended a local hotel owner’s decision to fly the Confederate battle flag in front of his hotel in response to the election of Barack Obama. “The government has lost its moral authority over God-fearing Americans,” Mauch (R)(at-face) wrote to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. “I wish more patriots … would take their stand for what the Confederate Battle Flag truly symbolizes.”
And I think we all know what he meant.
The son of God. When asked what the Confederate flag symbolizes, Mauch (R)(eally small penis) said: “It’s a symbol of Jesus Christ above all else.” Now, I’m neither a raving lunatic nor a small-minded racist, so I am not entirely convinced by his argument. I’ve read the bible, and I just can’t see how the official battle flag of an army that was fighting for their right to enslave humans could be a symbol for the son of God. But then again, I’m just an uppity, elitist Yankee who doesn’t understand the subtle ways of Jebus anyhows.
3. Mauch (R)(accoon-molester) is a current member of The League of the South, a group that, according to its website, advocates for “the secession and subsequent independence of the southern states from this forced union and the formation of a southern republic.”
The site also encourages members to personally secede from the corrupt “influence of post-Christian culture in America” by home-schooling children and creating “parallel institutions to which people can attach their loyalties.”
I KNEW home-schooled kids were weird.
(BTW: The League of the South is monitored by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group)
When asked about his involvement in the League of the South, which listed him as the chairman of their western Arkansas chapter as late as 2005, Mauch (R)(epugnant) said that although he’s a dues paying member, he is too busy to be active in the organization and doesn’t attend meetings. He said the chair position was “just a title.” (sort of like “Grand Dragon?”–ed.)
He also has defended the patriotism of the group. “We don’t think we should secede from the Union,” Mauch (R)(e-defines the term “inbred yokel”) said, contrary to the League’s website. “We just want constitutional government. Secession has never been unconstitutional.”
It’s difficult to argue with that statement, mostly because it is illogical, thinly veiled neo-confederate gibberish: We don’t think we should secede from the union, because we want a constitutional government and secession is constitutional.
It’s also factually incorrect.
Hitler Baby finds it difficult to believe that someone as intelligent as Mauch (R)(etarded) would have gotten his facts incorrect!
Of course secession is unconstitutional. Ol’ “Father of the Constitution” James Madison stated that the Tenth Amendment did not give the states the implied power secession. Also, the Supreme Court has found secession to be unconstitutional in the 1868 case of Texas v. White, 74 U.S. 700.
Which is probably why Mauch (R)(oyal ass-clown) wasn’t aware of it: It was decided after the war of northern aggression. Also, by that time the court was probably filled up with Jews, too!
Justice Scalia was always the sole minority vote in the Supreme Court of Awesome
For his part, the newly-elected Mauch (R)(elatively three dimensional, as fictional characters go) claims to be just another small-government Republican. He knows that small government is the answer to all America’s problems, and wants to cut government regulation of business because it is un-American to let the Government intrude on capitalism. (Presumably, things he feels okay about letting government meddle with include: marijuana, sex, law enforcement, fire-fighting, the court system, farm subsidies, air travel, medication, rural electricity, currency, mail, domestic spying, support for Christianity, education, a woman’s uterus, medicare, the death penalty, marriage, the military, and the highway system.)
We're America. The only rights we believe in are the right to carry guns the right to kick your ass